Telling Tails

For the better part of my life I have had an indentifying feature, something that is synonymous with who I am, easily identified from behind, I have a rat’s tail. I’ve had it since I was 9 I’m now 32. I have become superstitious of it over the years and I have this strange sort of Samson and Delilah thing occurring within my body. I sort of believe it gives me strength and to cut it off I’ll lose my power but I also believe that it ties me to my past that it is a part of my youth that was tarnished, especially my father who needed control over everything, so it became a statement a rebellious feature of my childhood one that he couldn’t beat out of me.

Now though I want to cut it off and I have done for a year or so now but I keep on falling into this weird plane of existence of the false belief of magical power associated with the tail. So it’s still there.

I thought about throwing a rat’s tail chopping off party but that’s even to weird for me and that’s saying a lot. Then I thought it would be interesting to just chop it off and see who notices, to test how identified with it I am. Sort of fuck with how I believe people see me and see if it’s real or just ego. I like that whole concept to tap into how you are perceived, I know that people do recognise me by it because classmates at uni told me so when I said I was going to chop it off. “How will we recognise you?” They said. I told them “They’d have to find another way.” One of my friends Larissa told me “I was not allowed to cut it off.” “Why?” I asked. “It’s who you are.” She replied. I laughed and walked away thinking that must make me rather boring if the only thing that is associated with me is a piece of hair, mind you it measures 41cms plaited.

I used to have 2 tails the other one was from my left temple region and it was around 30cms plaited I chopped it off on the 27/02/03 not that I’m superstitious about it though. Haven’t had it as long only about 10 years.

I have had periods were my tail at the back has been much shorter but also much longer but it’s always been there. When I grew my hair long I just let it blend in with the rest of my hair when I cut it short I just cut it back in. It’s kind of fucked up to be twisted by a piece of hair I sort of understand how people who have really long hair feel when they get it cut it’s sort of like losing yourself and having to recreate your image. Maybe that’s what I need to do, recreate my image, undo the ties to my childhood, admit I am free of my youth, that I am no longer there, I am here in the present and the past has no hold on me. Maybe I analysis everything too much and never do enough, maybe there’s to many maybes in my life. Little more action especially when I have acknowledged to my self that my childhood though horrendous is over, I have dealt with it and moved on.

It was a snap decision, a realisation of the numbers, 3/3/03 and it was 3pm, 3 minutes to plait my tail and chop it off. I’d only just woken up, focus. I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom measuring out the three pieces of hair into plait able thickness. 2 minutes to go. Racing fingers over and under just a few more inches. Tie the elastic band round the end. Fuck 3:03, where are the scissors, slice, a tingle run down the nape of my neck I stand there holding my deed, very smug and very proud of myself. I had decided not to fuss over it, to not be all symbolic but a part of me wanted something memorable, special, significant, after all I was removing a part of my persona, a piece of my image, a part of my life for the last 23 years, I suppose it needed to be ritualistic.

The back of my neck feels funny, cold, barren, it’s 20 minutes later and my neck is still tingly. But it’s gone now, maybe my desire to cut it off is because I don’t feel like I have to rebel against the same forces I did as a child. The tail was such a symbol of my rebellion. Now I sit back and wait for everyone to notice.

EPILOGUE:
No one noticed, no one said anything, all the anticipation of responses, nope, nothing. It’s kind of disappointing considering that I have been told that the tail was who I was by all my friends, was it all a lie? Or are we just blind to change, caught up in our own space and we never see the outside world clearly because of our own fog? So my symbol was snipped and stowed away with the date of departure wrapped around it by a lackey band.

How far removed from your childhood you are, even more so it your childhood was brutal and you survived and are sane and functional. I never thought I’d grow old enough to look back on my life. Now I look forward to getting old, going grey, I can envision a tomorrow in spite of the yesterdays, one where I’ll be telling tales.