sick of this

ok I'm sick of this
i've got 20mg of temaze in my system, and some somnicare both prescribed by my doctor to help me sleep
but I'm awake

it's an anxiety thing that has taken over whenever i am going away
even if it's a good hol, it's like i get anxiuos about the anxitey
look i can't even type probably.
i can feel all my muscles relaxced it's just the brain
and i don't know why it happens
and i don't what the trigger is
only that i worry about it happening whenever i plan a trip
so it does
it's a vicious circle.

I guess I'll leave early tomorrow and head up and find somewhere to sleep in the car until the place is ready at 2pm

use the adrenaline in my body to get me up there.

I'm going to try hynotherapy to deal with this.
I've treid mediation, counselling, medication. and it does nto work
so onto something else.

I may even get desperate enough to try anti anxiety meds jsut so i cna lick the pattern

i don't liek this feeling adn i dont like the htought of those sort of meds but i am so over this situation.

It's got contro, over need i need ot stop that.

this post is going ot be fullof speeling errors.cause my brain is tired and my muscles don't want ot work right beacsue of the temaze buti needot write this out andthen maybe it will help me sleep.

I don't think I'm worried about turning forty but i do have a hard time emotinally round my birthday. They were not always the best of times when i was growing up. and up until i meet Julanna i kind of ingnored them and wasa bit emotinally distant abotu them.

i like my birthday now, i look foward to it bu there is some of the old tension taht gets triggerd.

I really want to go to sleep.

Nighty nighty.

what do you do to celebrate turning 40

you throw yourself off a cliff (safely)and you take friends with you. Who says thrill seeking and is for the boys.
http://www.rdmh.com.au/details.asp?ID=31
spidergal
spidergals,
climb
a mountain any
size as long
as I've got a harness.

Life

Gets in the way of living
takes twists and turn
makes you wants curl up and hide
make you feel small
when the battle lines are drawn

Take up the cause and state your case
stand before those that oppose
point out the fault
and wait for the response

Silence
Silence

life is full of wonder and mirth
confusion and illusion
sometimes even grace

I breath in and it hurts
I breath out and wonder
about it all

Life is an amazement

Planes

Clusters of fluff,
for all the world they look like cotton wall
clouds dispersed out in random order but somehow with a uniform look.

They are changing colour quickly
from pink, orange and a hue of red.
The flight is not long about 45 minutes
On the way back we see the Bumberry Mountain, the Nepean river and a long and winding cliff face in the blue mountains

The planes wing titanium white glow is fading as the setting sun takes away the view.

It was night flight on the way up and we only get a little of the day on the way back.
But it is exquisite.

Darkness folds
no house light below
it lasts a good 10 minutes
then little houses and villages flick into view.

It's such a contrast as you see the city sprawl form the outside in.
A farm leads up to a village a village into to town a town weaves into a city and suddenly the ground is full of lights.

The road back from the mountains looks crazy, Glowing lights look like a snaking river but it's a stopped stream.
Glad I'm up here and not down there.

The city lights are pretty, they always take my head somewhere else
into the land of wonder, awe and excitement
It feels a bit like I did when the circus came to Parkes when I was a kid
all the glitter.

We slink round the coast it would be pretty in the light,
only minutes now till touchdown.
I do get a little woozy on take off and landings
so my gal is pressing on the acupuncture point to keep it all calm
.
The engines roar then start to slow the runway lights are close then we hit
plane gigs a bit as it kisses the ground
I'm home and the country is once again over the mountains and far away

See you later.

dreams

I remembered what my dream was that got me last night. I dreamt my Mum and Dad were in a car accident and they both died.

Orange version

aren't they pretty

New Shoes

These are my new shoes got a pair of Adidas Kanadia TR . Found out they also come in bright orange may have to get them as well. So far they are a very light shoe to wear. You hardly notice you have them on. When i was younger i used to wear Adidas all the time. Guess I'm going back to old habits

Random

I feel a bit random
like things just don't gel
Messy thoughts floating
fleeting, rolling by.

I know the reason why
but it really doesn't matter
The sensation will pass
but for now this randomness
I don't mind.

It's not manic
it's not stressed
it's not even over loud
they're just roaming round my mind.

It will settle
as i do
nothing to fuss about
let it run it's course.

Never know what i'll find
amongst these stringy thoughts.

Niece

Went shopping today for my nieces bd. Got her a star projector. It will put a light display onto her wall and ceiling.

"All the wonders of the world spread out before you
take a breath.
Let your dreams have thoughts and motion.
Do you ever look skyward and wonder?

I do and have but not the questions of creation, big bang gal through and through.
I wonder why they left us alone.

Did they see the decay, the dread the malice that overfolds all the good.
It only takes one bad act to erase all the beauty."

now thats a bit random ain't it. guess i need coffee.

I also need new joggers. I hate shoe shopping. I have such a hard time finding shoes and I'm a bit over asics. the back heel support seems to fail at about the 4 month old stage. Which is really annoying seeing how much they cost.



So

dreaming

this is what can happen to you if you're a very active dreamer and you dream you're pointing at someone. you poke yourself in the fucking eye. Did it hurt, yep it woke me up. My eyeball was sore for a day and a half.

Tired

Still waking up. Long slow start to the day.

My head feels fuzzy,
My eyes have that slightly blurry focus
The coffee hasn't kicked in,
YET.

Food will help.

I burnt my first lot of toast.
Opened up the back door to let the smoke out
Time for a second go i think.
The eggs are cooked.

I wished we had butter,
There's something bout, toast, butter and eggs.

Maybe another coffee.

the hunt for another car

it does your head in,
two choice really, both sound ok, i like the second one better because it's a wagon not a hatch
(holden barina, other is a toyoto corrolla wagon)
both are e10 compatable
the barina is an auto, the toyoto is a manual. But the small wagon is very tempting as to the barina which looks smaller than my current car
so i guess it comes down to me and what i think is the better of the two.
my heads sore. Bet the salesmens is to, i ask lots of questions.

Summer Hill

I'm heading into Summer Hill today to see my kinesiologist. It's a nice suburb with quite a few of the old building still standing. The centre where I'm going has been changed out front, all glass, but it has this wonderful balcony. Semi circular and long deep overhang. Just the kind of place to sit and enjoy the sun on a winters day. I don't even know if the staff use the area, I would be.

So off onto city rail in a while, the last two times I've caught a train it's come almost 8 minutes early. the first time they let it go. The last time they held it at the station. So i'll allow 15minutes this time hopefully that will mean i don't have to rush to catch the train.

Why the gov bought in that trains could leave up to 5 minutes early and be called on time is stupid. I know it's just to make the timetables figures look good but it's hell for the commuter's.

Oh well that's me for the morning.

Lunch At Cabramatta

I love this suburb. It is a vegetarians delight. 5 vegetarian eateries. Went to our favourite spot for soup. It's so good. So fresh. I had Cambodian soup and my gal had Spicy Beef Soup. After we ate we went and did the basics groceries and the sweet things we love from Bread Top.

"The air is heady with scents,
Sugarcane and pepper mingle amongst the crowd.
Weave and wonder down the arcades
Searching for something special.
Red Papaya, Pomello's Rambutans or Magosteens.
Fill the bag, lighten the wallet, leave happy and satisfied."